Conspiracy Theory

I don't know what it is about librarians, but they scare me. Yes, you are reading right, librarians scare me. They intimidate me, they give me anxiety, they make me fumble on my words and sweat.

I know it sounds strange. Maybe it's the way the librarian glares at me through her bifocals, as she asks me, "will that be all?", as I trump my 15 books and 3 videos up to the circulation desk. Or maybe it's the way they scan back and forth from my library card to me, even before they run it through the computer, as if I'm using some sort of fake I.D. to get into a club or something.

One thing for sure, if I'm returning a book or video late to the library, I make sure to drop it in the outside box, just to escape the convicting glares of the librarian. I mean, you'd think I had just taken a historic artifact or something.
And the panic attack I have when I finally do face the librarian after returning an overdue book...as she looks up the fine in the computer...I hold my breath as I clasp my checkbook, (maybe it won't show up, maybe they don't even know it's late)...
And that will be $200.00, you've had "How to Groom your Dog" out for a year and a half...
What?? I don't even have a dog! There's got to be a mistake in the computer!

I swear the librarians around here all conspire to trick you into paying fines. I bet you they are confiscating books left and right from the book drop, and then they claim they've never received your drop. I bet there is some hidden underground room where all the "lost and overdue" books are. All to make a quick buck...for what you ask...new globes and microfiche machines, that's what. And all this money is coming from you and me, the Moms who go to the library because we can't afford to buy new books in the first place.

The thing is...it works. Let's face it, no amount of conspiracy or intimidation is going to keep us from returning to the public library. Wanna know why? Because we need it...we need them. We need the free snacks and storytimes, the free video rentals (even if they are from the 1980's), and we need the rainy day activity. Yeah, it's worth the $200.00 bill every six months.